Tim Conway Quotes

I like to work a lot with wood. I make furniture that falls apart. I also sew.

If only my folks had beaten me, I could have gotten some material about my miserable childhood. But as it is, I’ve had a great life.

When you‘re small, you either are funny, or you get beat up a lot.

I figure you’re only here for a matter of moments. Ever since I was a kid watching movies I’ve always wanted to make people laugh or have some sort of emotional reaction.

As a kid I was short and only weighed 95 pounds. And though I was active in a lot of Sports and got along with most of the guys, I think I used comedy as a defense mechanism. You know making someone laugh is a much better way to solve a problem than by using your fists.

Nowadays they have 12 directors and 15 producers and 30 writers. And all the writers want their lines said a certain way-which isn’t necessarily funny. I mean the lines aren’t necessarily so funny to begin with.

If I wouldn’t offend my religion or God, why would I want to offend an audience because in effect those people are being watched over by the same person.

People enjoy sitting back knowing they won‘t hear a lot of four-letter words.

A lot of people like to live on laurels that happened 20 or 30 years ago, but it’s nice to get awards. It’s nice to be labeled and things like that, but I’m not sure everybody qualifies.

I’ve never really taken anything very seriously. I enjoy life because I enjoy making other people enjoy it.

The reason ‘The Carol Burnett Show’ did so well in the ratings is because people were looking for that comfort zone when the whole family sat around and watched television and enjoyed it.

Actually, we’ve done 75 of these shows and every one of them has sold out. But then we buy all the tickets.

I have a lot of awards in my house that I have absolutely no idea what they are for.

You can’t TV surf without coming across an Andy of Mayberry episode where you’ve just got to watch Don as Barney. That’s why I put Don in several of my movies.

Harvey never had an original idea or thought in his life. I was out wandering around the country doing charity benefits, mainly, when I asked him to come along.

I would get ill before going onstage – something about getting in front of people, and if they don’t laugh, I’m a bomb. I got over it when somebody laughed.

My parents were very funny – they didn’t know it. But they were. They were actually sharing an IQ.

I avoid all the language and nudity and violence and everything. I have enough of that at home.

Don Knotts was a really big influence, especially on the Steve Allen show. I mean, look at the guy, his entire life is in his face.

My career is pretty much over. I’m out in the Valley eating soft-boiled eggs.