Phyllis Diller Quotes

A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.

I wanted to become me, totally me. The more me, the better. I instinctively knew this and I was right.

Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.

What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.

A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.

The reason women don’t play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.

I asked the waiter, ‘Is this milk fresh?’ He said, ‘Lady, three hours ago it was grass.’

You know you‘re old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you’re barefoot.

What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.

I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.

The reason the pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can’t see him laughing.

My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.

If it weren’t for baseball, many kids wouldn’t know what a millionaire looked like.

My photographs don’t do me justice – they just look like me.

My own laugh is the real thing and I’ve had it all my life.

Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.

It’s a good thing that beauty is only skin deep, or I’d be rotten to the core.

Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.

Our dog died from licking our wedding picture.

Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.

A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.

Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.

My father used to call me the laughing hyena.

You know you’re old if they have discontinued your blood type.

I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing.

Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.

The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.

The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can’t see him laughing at you.

The reason women don’t play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.

Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.

Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.

There’s so little money in my bank account, my scenic checks show a ghetto.

Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.

I’ve been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about short and cheap?

My photographs don’t do me justice – they just look like me.

I asked the waiter, ‘Is this milk fresh?’ He said, ‘Lady, three hours ago it was grass.’

His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.

My father used to call me the laughing hyena.

My recipe for dealing with anger and frustration: set the kitchen timer for twenty minutes, cry, rant, and rave, and at the sound of the bell, simmer down and go about business as usual.

My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.

The reason the pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can’t see him laughing.

You know you’re old if your walker has an airbag.