Jim Gaffigan Quotes

I’ve always wanted to be an actor. I’ve never planned on the acting and the stand-up feeding each other; they’ve always been separate desires.

Comics write to their point of view. If you‘re an exceedingly irreverent comedian, you’ve got to see where that point of view fits or produces the most funny.

I’m a comedian, which is the opposite of a lifestyle that equips you to be a parent.

My whole comic persona is that of a guy who explores the id: I romanticize gluttony, I romanticize laziness, and people identify with that.

You know what it’s like having five kids? Imagine you’re drowning. And someone hands you a baby.

Steakhouses sort of have this old-school nature to them; they’re like museums full of good food. It’s fun hearing the waiter share his expertise on the different cuts of beef and how they’re going to cut up your baked potato.

Comedians kind of write what comes to them. You can give yourself little assignments, but it’s what inspires you.

I’m an eccentric, silly, observational guy, but I’m not gonna frighten off social conservatives.

As a dad, you are the Vice President of the executive branch of parenting. It doesn’t matter what your personality is like, you will always be Al Gore to your wife‘s Bill Clinton. She feels the pain and you are the annoying nerd telling them to turn off the lights.

I’m a big eater. I mean, a lot of my stand-up is about food, and you write about what you know, and that’s the only thing I know. I don’t know anything else.

I try to only eat animals that are vegan. I’m probably the opposite of a vegan.

I’m from Indiana. I know what you’re thinking, Indiana… Mafia. But in Indiana it’s not like New York where everyone‘s like, ‘We’re from New York and we’re the best‘ or ‘We’re from Texas and we like things big’ it’s more like ‘We’re from Indiana and we’re gonna move.’

I would say some of the food I talk about that I really enjoy, like cake and bacon, I eat a lot less than I portray in my act. But that stuff that I dislike, it’s pretty sincere.

I initially signed up for Twitter just to do jokes I wasn’t going to do in my stand-up routine.

I was the youngest of six kids, so yeah, feeding myself was important, but it’s not like I was obsessed with food growing up.

Most single guys I know think fatherhood is terrifying.

I’m closer to Bob Newhart than Rodney Dangerfield.

There’s something about being a parent that has, I think, made me a better comedian.

I always imagine that if I met Dr. Seuss, he would be very similar to Crispin Glover.

When people look and decide they have nothing in common with me – I’m 43, balding, blond, whatever – there’s something absolutely invigorating about winning them over. Even if it’s eight people from Sweden who don’t understand what I’m talking about.

Ever read a book that changed your life? Me neither.

I worked on ‘USA Today‘ as a topic for while. I tried to do something on hand chairs, chairs that look like hands. I really tried. But some topics are not truly universal.