Jeff Garlin Quotes

I hate cellphones. They are not for good, they’re for evil. They’re for gossip.

The only thing that I demand of the audience is that they listen to what I’m saying. Other than that, they owe me nothing. They don’t owe me a thing.

I like independent movies, documentaries. There’s not a lot of movies that are commercially made that I dig.

I felt very comfortable about myself when I was much heavier. I feel much better about myself from being fit.

I don’t think I’m ever going to retire from stand-up, but what I have retired from is working the road every week.

I’m totally comfortable not being as funny as Larry David.

As an individual doing a podcast, you don’t get even remotely rich. It’s not something to do for money.

First off, I don’t do self-deprecation comedy based on being fat. I would always talk about it honestly. Secondly, I don’t care how much I weigh.

There’s only one true superpower amongst human beings, and that is being funny. People treat you differently if you can make them laugh.

In my stand-up, I generally improvise from an outline.

When you see a bad romantic comedy, you see the script, the director, and the actors trying to create this warmth and this pathos and this feeling that you care about them. That cannot be manufactured – it’s either there or it isn’t.

Comedians sometimes forget that there’s an audience. You gotta be conscious that you’re performing for other human beings.

I don’t care what I do – act, stand-up, write, direct – it doesn’t matter as long as I’m being creative and it’s good work.

Acting’s fine if the script’s written by Paddy Chayefsky and Martin Scorsese directs it, but unless you have something like that, I don’t really enjoy acting.

I do love directing. It’s probably my favorite thing that I do.

I have the bigger iPad, but the Mini is the best. It just seems perfect. The old one seems so big and heavy. I like simple and clean.

I never analyze stuff with comedy because it’s boring. It makes you stop being funny. Just be who you are and do what you do, and you’re either funny or you’re not.

Certainly early on, I kind of modeled myself after Steve Martin and Bill Murray. I would imitate them sometimes.

Why do I want to be challenged or have challenges? That’s why I don’t go climb mountains.

Forget ‘full of myself,’ I’m not remotely impressed with myself.

My kids have played soccer and baseball and basketball, and the parents who come to games are always saying and doing things that are just wildly inappropriate.

Directing is really my favorite thing to do, but if I never directed again, I’d be okay if all the work I did was good.