George Carlin Quotes

Dusting is a good example of the futility of trying to put things right. As soon as you dust, the fact of your next dusting has already been established.

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, ‘Where’s the self-help section?’ She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

When Thomas Edison worked late into the night on the electric light, he had to do it by gas lamp or candle. I’m sure it made the work seem that much more urgent.

Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn’t mean the circus has left town.

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

Always do whatever‘s next.

One can never know for sure what a deserted area looks like.

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

There’s no present. There’s only the immediate future and the recent past.

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me – they’re cramming for their final exam.

The reason I talk to myself is that I’m the only one whose answers I accept.

‘I am’ is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that ‘I do’ is the longest sentence?

When someone is impatient and says, ‘I haven‘t got all day,’ I always wonder, How can that be? How can you not have all day?

The status quo sucks.

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

I’m completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.

I’m always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I’m listening to it.

I think people should be allowed to do anything they want. We haven’t tried that for a while. Maybe this time it’ll work.

The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.

Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.

I think it would be interesting if old people got anti-Alzheimer‘s disease where they slowly began to recover other people’s lost memories.

When you step on the brakes your life is in your foot‘s hands.

If it’s true that our species is alone in the universe, then I’d have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.

Not only do I not know what’s going on, I wouldn’t know what to do about it if I did.

The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I’m just not close enough to get the job done.

If we could just find out who‘s in charge, we could kill him.

People who say they don’t care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don’t care what people think.

In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first.

Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.

What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on?

You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans.

Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don’t have time for all that.

Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?

Think off-center.

If you can’t beat them, arrange to have them beaten.