Alan Carr Quotes

I’m not that good at knowing the price of things. Not because I live in a celebrity bubble, but just because I’ve always been rubbish at stuff like that.

I mean, seeing 10 very talented interior designers is not hard work – it’s an absolute joy.

Basically, I thought I had nothing to lose so I’d try my luck as a stand-up comedian. So even if it all failed, I was at the bottom of the food-chain anyway.

A fortune-teller said my future lay in comedy.

My mum will never ask if I’m seeing anyone; I’m not that kind of person anyway. I’m very private.

I’m just a comedian. That’s all I am. If you find me funny, good.

I don’t really like being a celebrity.

I’m old school, when I go on stage, I want every single person in that theatre to have the time of their life. I don’t want to upset someone on their night off when they’ve been working all week.

Children? No, no, no. I struggle with a red setter.

It’s dangerous when you start telling people they can’t have an opinion on something. And, you know, you don’t cancel someone, you engage with someone.

Girls don’t want to hang around boys talking about ‘The Golden Girls’. They want a boyfriend who turns up on a motorbike, don’t they?

I know David Walliams did ‘Blankety Blank‘, and when he did that I was so jealous. I would have loved to have done that. It’s sort of my sense of humour.

Even if people threw tomatoes at me and booed me off stage, at least you can wash out tomatoes, unlike nine hours of abuse from the general public which can affect your mental health.

Nostalgia is so powerful, and it was such an odd year, 2020.

Let’s be honest, you’re very selfish in your twenties, and in your thirties you are just trying to get a down payment for your flat or enough money to pay your bills.

I don’t like the attention that comes with TV.

You survive cancer but you have still got the emotional baggage.

I’ve already brought enough shame on the family without halting the family tree.

I love the buzz of doing live. I am a stand-up comedian and so I am not scared of live.

How can you explain to Americans who Kim Woodburn is? It’s just nice, for once in my life, to not be the campest one in the room.

I do my own stunts. You see someone like Graham Norton would have had a stunt double, but no, I give 100 per cent to my viewers.

When things finish, you think, ‘It’s over‘ but you realise sometimes, it’s just the beginning of something else.

I didn’t want a ghost writer. I’ve got such a distinctive voice, people would smell a rat, I think.

I love that I’m approachable. All kinds of people come up to me.

With Stand Up To Cancer, every penny goes to Cancer Research UK. You are playing with people’s lives. I knew I needed to get as much money as possible.

I mean, I see the old interviews with Bette Davis or Joan Crawford, these characters clawed their way up – what stories.

I think TV in general is camp. ‘X Factor‘ is camp, ‘Strictly Come Dancing‘ is camp. Basically, an orange man comes down some stairs and waves at the camera. People are drawn to that.

Doing stand up helps – thinking on your feet definitely comes in handy when it’s a live show.

I love a bit of ‘Tipping Point‘; I sit there and sometimes the dog starts watching it. It’s just like the going in and out and the coins falling, it can be quite trance-like.

I’m a comedian. I can’t get a spray tan. I can’t get a weave. I can’t get my teeth done. Can you imagine if I came out on stage looking really hunky? Comedy doesn’t work like that.

Explaining ‘The Price Is Right‘ is probably going to make it sound like the most moronic show ever. I invite people out of the audience to guess the price of a series of household objects.

At school people laughed at me, not with me.

I was such a worrier at school. I wish I could go back and tell myself to stop stressing.